Emotional Regulation: How to Manage Your Feelings

Basic Emotional Regulation

Your emotions what are they?

To put it simply, your emotions are signals within your body that tell you what’s happening. Like an instant news service that provides you constant updates about what you’re doing and experiencing. 

Why do we experience feelings/emotions the way that we do?

We experience feelings in a bit of whirlwind sometimes. Almost to the point of not understanding exactly what we’re feeling because there are so many emotions being experienced at one time. 

This is because we have what are called primary and secondary emotions. 

Primary Emotions are your initial reaction to what is happening to you/around you.

These are strong feelings that come on quickly, that don’t involve having to think about what’s happening. For example: If you won a contest you might instantly feel surprised. When someone you care about dies, you immediately feel sad. 

Secondary Emotions are the emotional reactions to your primary emotion, or more simply put.. your secondary emotions are your feelings about your feelings. You can experience multiple secondary emotions at once. 

For example: Shauna became anxious when she was asked to make a future presentation at work. As the day drew closer, she became depressed as she thought about how anxious she was getting, and then she started to feel worthless that she couldn’t make a simple presentation. Then, the day after the presentation she started to feel guilty that she had made such a big deal about it in the first place. 

Anxiety was Shauna’s primary emotion, and depression, worthlessness were all her secondary emotions in response to her anxiety.

•    It’s possible that your primary emotional reaction to a situation can set off a limitless chain reaction of distressing secondary emotions that cause you much more pain than your original emotion does. 

•    For this reason, it is crucial that you try and identify what your original primary emotion is in a distressing situation, so that you can learn to cope with the feeling before the avalanche of secondary emotions overwhelm you. 

Self-Affirming Statements 

1.    I might have faults, but I am a good person. 

2.    I care about myself and other people 

3.    I can get through this, it’s just temporary 

4.    I accept who I am 

5.    Just trying to be 1 % better each day. 

6.    I embrace both my good and bad qualities 

7.    This too shall pass 

8.    It’s okay if I can’t control how other people feel about me, I am confident in myself and myself actions. As long as I am confident in myself and my actions and what I'm doing doesn't negatively impact me or those around me, then it doesn’t matter what other people think. 

9.    I can’t control anything other than my own reactions and thoughts, and that’s okay. I don’t have to worry about anything else but myself, and that is comforting.

The Dialectical Behavioural Skills Workbook, Chapter 7; Basic Emotional Regulation. Matthew Mckay, PhD. Jeffery C. Wood, PsyD. Jeffrey Brantly, MD